In the vein of the popular “Look At This F*cking” meme, comes a book dedicated to hilariously awful mugshots, coupled with laugh-out-loud captions written by some of todays most popular and audacious comedians and web personalities. Georgia Hardstark, one half of Cooking Channels sailor-mouthed, vintage clad Classy Ladies, will lead the reader through the most bizarre, unfortunate, and ludicrous photos of criminals at their most vulnerable: during their mugshot photo session. Punctuated with true tales of arrest and woe (and hilarity) from said contributors, Look At This F*cking Convict will take the not-so-funny act of getting arrested and prove that if you can’t laugh at yourself, at least you can laugh at criminals. With a special section for celebrity mugshots, vintage criminals, and not to mention the fact that mugshots are public domain, Look At This F*cking Convict would be a lucrative and popular public

“Weeell hallloooo, kind sir.  You wouldn’t happen to have $100,000 to lend a lad for a fortnight, wouldja???  It seems there’s a dame out in Brooklyn who seems to find the advances of men who ride bicycles with gears that are fixed less than acceptable, despite attempts at seeming harmless by the growing of ironic facial hair, and thus misinterpret innocent professions of undying love as ‘stalking’ and ’attmepted rape’, the silly lasses.”

Poor ol’ “Stuck Tongue” Joe.  Always teased as a youngin, never known the love of a good woman, always being arrested for disrespecting an officer when pulled over for a routine traffic stop…oh yeah, and also having four suitcases full of crystal meth in the trunk.  But like I was saying, poor ol’ “Stuck Tongue” Joe just couldn’t catch a break.

The only thing Mrs. Wheeler was guilty of was being the best damn fifth grade teacher Broadmoor Elementry School had ever seen…that, and trying to run over her ex husband with her mini van.

Oregon Man Arrested for Choking Girlfriend With His Own Dreadlocks

Look, Celeste had it comin, man. This was the second time in one week that the bitch burnt the seitan loaf, and then she had the nerve to tell me that my home brew tasted like a wet dreadlock.

I’ve been growing my babies out for years, man, and this trustifarian chick thinks she can just come to Portland where people like me have been livin our fuckin lives off the grid for years and plant a garden in the backyard and call herself a locavore. Naw man. Doesn’t work like that. Caleb doesn’t take that shit.

Bet she’ll never talk trash on a dude’s natties again.

Hey Matt Braunger, when I told you I was thinking about starting this blog, and you told me I should be careful cause some ex con I made fun of might come after me, was this the guy you were talking about?  This guy looks like an idiot.

Last night I went to the El Capitan Theater in Hollywood to watch a movie.  I excused myself from my group before the movie started, while the organist was still filling the theater with pre-movie music as the crowd took their seats, to use the ladies room. 

As I started my assent of the staircase towards the basement bathroom, I felt the walls closing in on me.  The thick carpets were an emerald green with a criss crossing black lined pattern, and the walls were covered with photographs of famous people in gaudy gold frames. 

Down I went, circling what felt like a never ending flight of stairs towards the underground lavatories.  When I finally got there the cavernous bathroom was empty, and the vast row of stalls echoed with with ghosts of pee-breaks past.  “This place is like a nightmare,” I thought to myself as I hovered above the toilet seat, trying not to touch anything. 

This guy is the journey to the basement lavatories of the El Capitan Theater come to life.

She killed a man in Springfield, just to watch him die.

Dude bro, check this shit out.  So like, I was hanging out in downtown NB, just minding my own, right? when this fucking pig man, this fucking “officer of the law” stops me for no effing reason!  I mean, what the hell kinda country are we livin in, bro?  That’s what I want to know.  I mean, how in the hell was I supposed to know that girl was under 16?  Was I supposed to ask for an I.D. or something? 

So this fucking copper, right, he takes my low rider bicycle away, handcuffs me, and throws me in the back of his pig-mobile!  Can you believe that shit? 

So anyway Mom, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind bailing me out, man.  The other inmates in here are threatening to rape me and it’s getting a little scary.

This is what happens when you’re the first to pass out in Munchkin Land.  I know he looks bummed, but he should really be happy he was unconscious when the Munchkins did their dirty work.  I’m a lady so I’m not gonna get graphic, but lets just say that’s not from a green marker.

What if the really hot guy you’re dating, the guy who you’re madly in love with and treats you super well - buys you flowers and insists on making you orgasm first - well what if you could somehow see a photo of what he’ll look like in twenty years.  Would you want to see that photo?  What if you couldn’t unsee it?  What if the photo above was the photo in question?  Would you stay with him?  Would you ever be able to look at him the same way again?

Turns out the time machine worked, after all.  When Horus said “don’t interfere with the future in any way”, how was Min to know that included not getting caught getting a beej in the alley behind King Tut’s All Nude Cabaret by a stripper-cum-prostitute.  How was he to know???  Horus would not be pleased.  Not at all.

Luckily for this guy, every mugshot comes with a free back scratcher.

“Naked from the waist, down” is one of my favorite sayings because it’s so simple, yet it conveys so much.  Look at this dude and think of that saying.  See?

Don’t laugh at him (her?).  They’re holding an entire cake just out of view, and told him (her?) that he (she?) could eat it once the photo was taken.  The joke’s on them, though, because someone mixed up the recipes and accidentally baked a “hacksaw” cake.  They’re gonna have to take down that “No jailbreaks in 0 days” sign, sadly.

Lets play “Guess the Crime”!

Lets seeeee…well, my best guess would have to involve this gentlemen engaging in fisticuffs with a fellow dad at his kid’s soccer match.  I’m sure they worked it out over a rousing game of rochambeau.

What do you think his crime was???

This is your junior high school best friend’s older brother.  Once you spent the night at their house and could have sworn you heard a camera go off in the middle of the night while you were passed out in your sleeping bag, but when you opened your eyes you didn’t see anyone there, so you figured it was a dream.  The next morning he stared at you over his bowl of cereal and made fun of you for having tiny boobs (or “blouse bunnies”, as he called them). 

He had taught the family dog to hump legs on command, and seemed to delight in scaring the shit out of the cat.  Do you remember him?  Do you think about him as much as he thinks about you?  He could sure use a pen pal, right about now.  Cell Block C is a lonely place and he bets you smell real nice.

Poor ol’ “Stuck Tongue” Joe.  Always teased as a youngin, never known the love of a good woman, always being arrested for disrespecting an officer when pulled over for a routine traffic stop…oh yeah, and also having four suitcases full of crystal meth in the trunk.  But like I was saying, poor ol’ “Stuck Tongue” Joe just couldn’t catch a break.